


turn off your porcelain face, i can’t really think right now in this place

by junebug_petticoat



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Deceit | Janus Sanders is Anxiety | Virgil Sanders' Parent, FTM, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Internalized Transphobia, Kid Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Kid Anxiety | Virgil Sanders and Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, M/M, Morality | Patton Sanders is Anxiety | Virgil Sanders' Parent, Morality | Patton Sanders is Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders' Parent, Parent Deceit | Janus Sanders, Parents Deceit | Janus Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Trans Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Trans Male Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, ftm virgil sanders, no editing we die like wilbur on november 16th, virgil really just needs a hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-13 12:40:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29028849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junebug_petticoat/pseuds/junebug_petticoat
Summary: Virgil is struggling. Valentine is struggling.Why can't he be accepted? Why can't she accept herself?ORVirgil has been kicked out of many homes for wanting to be a boy so she's decided she's going to stay a girl. That'll work, right? (internalized transphobia and gender dysphoria)[book title from this is home by cavetown]
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Dr. Emile Picani, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Sleep | Remy Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Thomas Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 5
Kudos: 81





	1. better times perhaps await us who are now wretched

**Author's Note:**

> i was feeling really dysphoric today cause i couldn't find my sports bra so i wrote a fic to cope instead
> 
> title is a quote from virgil the roman poet idk what from
> 
> i have a wattpad: SourAssLemons which has one completed story on it (i will be putting said story on here at some point)
> 
> <3 love questions and shit

Valentine wasn’t particularly excited to be moving to another foster home. She wasn’t sure which one this was. Fifth maybe? Sixth. He couldn’t be sure.

He took a drag from the cigarette in his fingers and swung ~~his~~ her legs in the open air outside his windowsill. It was chilly, the biting cold being the perfect thing to keep her mind from wandering too far as her other hand played with the ends of her braided hair.

The smoke filled his lungs in a comforting way, silky and addicting. She knew it could kill her. That was kinda the point.

Foster homes were finicky, especially when you’re in a system that favoured “good Christian” families over any others. She’d been in a lot of houses, most kicked her out for her disrespect toward God. Her hatred of her body. The fact that she didn’t feel like a she. After the third home kicked her out for cutting her hair and telling them she was actually a he, she decided it was safer to just let it go. Sure, she felt like throwing up every time someone said “daughter” or “beautiful young lady” or even her name, Valentine.

~~He~~ She pulled up her legs and tucked them underneath her. Valentine.

Back in that third home, when she had cut her hair, she had decided on a new name that she liked quite a bit.

Virgil.

It was old. It was odd. The name of a Roman poet wouldn’t have been most peoples first choice but after reading a few of his books from the school library ~~Virgil~~ Valentine decided that he liked the poet quite a lot.

(He pretended that it had nothing to do with the fact that Virgil had been his father’s favourite poet and that his father would read him the books as bedtime stories, back when he was too young to remember anything but the author.)

She still liked the name, it was hers.

No it wasn’t.

She threw the cigarette butt into the dewy grass below her and pulled herself off the windowsill. As the oldest in this little group home, she got a room to herself. A small sanctuary from the seven other children running around her feet at all times. From the bitch of a woman who ran this home who would insist Valentine do extra cooking and cleaning because she was “becoming a young lady”. What a hag.

_Third home. She had asked for a binder. They had sent her back. When she stepped in the door Ms Awl greeted her with a sharp smile and pained eyes._

_“Valentine, my sweet girl, God made you a woman for a reason.” She had said. She didn’t sound angry, just disappointed._

_Virgil went to his room and sat there until she was called for dinner. Ms Awl told the other kids to pray for her that night._

Valentine didn’t pray. She didn’t believe in a God or whatever the fuck. She had just been sent to this shitty religious home because it was the only one with space.

Maybe people had thought it would fix him.

Either way, tomorrow at 11 o’clock sharp he was being picked up. A new family. She’d talked to them on the phone a couple of weeks prior, a nice young man named Mr Hart who had one son and probably had a beautiful loving wife.

He’d told her that they couldn’t wait to meet her. He’d told her that they’d always wanted a daughter.

The conversation had been short and Valentine had gotten almost no information on Mr Hart, he’d asked her questions and said he wanted to get to know her.

He sounded nice.

They all sounded nice.

Virgil looked over her packed bag, tucking her pack of Marlboros deep into the fabric and laying down on her small bed. He whispered a small prayer to a God that he didn’t believe in that everything would change.


	2. time is flying never to return

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was supposed to be one chapter. oh well.  
> i have like five written so....

Nerves woke him early. That and the loud voice of Ms Awl from below him in the small house. She was always too loud.

A glance at the clock on her cracked phone told her that none of the other kids had woken up yet and she had time to make breakfast. Time to say goodbye before they left for school.

Michael would be taking her room for now, until she came back in a month or a few.

She dragged herself out of bed and glared at her mirror, the bags under her eyes were prominent (not a surprise with the amount of sleep he got on a regular basis) and his braid was falling apart. She ignored the breasts on her chest as she hooked on her bra and pulled on a nice dress. She wanted to look his best for whatever family came to pick her up.

Pulling on her socks as she hopped down the hall and stumbled tiredly down the stairs. Ms Awl was standing in the doorway of the kitchen speaking rapidly into her phone and she shot a relieved glace ~~Virgil’s~~ Valentine’s way. Probably because she wouldn’t have to make breakfast today.

She graciously ignored the faint smell of cigarettes that followed her. She always did.

Valentine cracked some eggs into a bowl and stirred ingredients into the year-old pancake mix she’d found in a cupboard before pouring it into a pan. The kids deserved something special for today if they were gonna be eating Ms Awl’s cooking for the next few months. He heard a distant shuffling upstairs and knew that the kids would be getting up now.

“Val, sweetheart,” Ms Awl crooned from the kitchen doorway waving her phone. “How are you feeling today?” Val shrugged. She couldn’t be bothered to answer when kids started flooding into the kitchen, reaching for plates and cutlery that Valentine had yet to set out. She opened drawers and handed the kids their plates and passed the syrup and told them to be quiet. Ms Awl stood in the doorway looking proud. “You’ll be a wonderful mother.”

Virgil felt like throwing up.

He tried not to gag.

“Vee?” Said the small voice of a little boy who she had taken a liking to when he first came round. She’d told him that she felt like a boy. He’d looked confused and said simply ‘then be a boy’. Soon after that, the boy started calling him Vee because ‘Valentine was a girls name’. Val loved him more than life.

He wished it was that simple.

“Yeah, Thomas?” She smiled sweetly at him as she wiped syrup off her hands.

“Are you goin’ today?” His eyes welled a little and Virgil felt a pang in his heart. He nodded and Thomas stuck out a pouty lip. “I’ll miss you though.”

“I’ll miss you too.” He said as he picked up the dishes and set them next to the sink, watching as the rest of the kids got up and grabbed their backpacks, making their ways to the door. Michael was in the lead, since he would be guiding everyone to the bus stop now. Since he would be the oldest once she left.

He gave everyone a hug as they left. He whispered support to Michael and told him to text her updates on Thomas. He hugged Tom and planted a kiss on his forehead before he left. He thanked him.

“You’ll come an’ visit, Virgil?” Tom whispered to him and Virgil’s heart missed a few beats. He pulled Thomas closer, the one person he’d told about his name.

“Yeah Tom, I’ll visit.” He pushed the little boy out the door and tried not to cry. Ms Awl gave him a soft look and a small sigh.

“He sees you like a big sister.” She said.

_He sees me like a big brother_. Virgil thought. Hoped.

He went upstairs and laid on his bed. He was tempted to smoke but decided smelling like cigarettes upon the first encounter probably wasn’t the best option when meeting a new family.

His eyes slid shut.

And they were jerked open again to the knock on his door.

“Val, they’re here.” Her lips were pursed as she opened the door and gave Valentine a once over. Valentine blinked blearily and shook her head before standing. Ms Awl left, probably to entertain the nice family downstairs, and Valentine took a deep breath. She grabbed her bag from the floor and stood in front of the mirror.

His dark hair had fallen out of its braid. His pink dress had a small syrup stain on the skirt.

He was not a he. Valentine reminded ~~him~~ herself.

Slow steps down the hallway as she strained to hear the quiet conversation going on below her feet. She could hear the high voice of one male and the sharp crow of Ms Awl. Valentine bit her lip and took hesitant steps down the stairs. She was not expecting to immediately meet a pair of heterochromatic eyes, one green and one gold, that made her stop in her tracks. They were soft and comfortable and the man they belonged to had a gentle smile as he looked at her. “Hello, Valentine.” He said.

His voice was smooth and low and it reminded Val of her father before he had died.

She had once told her that she wanted to be a boy and he had smiled given her a kiss on the forehead and asked her what her name would be if she were a boy.

Virgil had been his favourite poet.

“Hi.” She replied meekly. Everyone else’s eyes turned to her as well. The tall man with the yellow eye was holding hands with a short man with an electric blue polo and sweater and a smile that could rival Thomas’s. Both men wore wedding bands. Ms Awl’s lips were pursed tight as she looked at the couple, but her eyes softened when she turned to look at Val.

“Val, my girl, come here.” She rushed down the final few steps and Ms Awl grabbed her shoulders with one hand, gesturing to the men with the other. “This is Janus and Patton Hart, they’ll be your new foster family.” She smiled widely and it was clearly strained but Val was glad she was trying at least.

“Hello, Mr and Mr Hart.” She said simply. She felt small.

“Hiya kiddo!” Said the blue one brightly, he winked, “You can just call us Janus and Patton, yeah?”

“Or whatever you’re comfortable with.” The tall one- Janus- cut in. Patton was definitely the one she had spoken to on the phone, sunny and eager to get to know everything about her. Val didn’t like it. She’d never liked when people stuck their nose into her personal life, it always got her kicked out. “Would you like me to take your bag, Valentine?” Val went to shake her head but Ms Awl beat her to it, pulling the duffle off her shoulders and handing it to Janus, who pressed his lips together tightly but said nothing.

“Well then, you’re paperwork is all filled out so you can take her and be on your way!” Ms Awl said with faux cheer. She shoved Val towards the men and wiggled her fingers in goodbye.

“See you in a month, Ms Awl,” Val replied. Ms Awl’s smile tightened but they both knew it was true. Valentine walked out the door first and looked around at the two men standing on her either side. Patton pointed to a small silver car parked on the street and the three made their way over to it. Valentine watched anxiously as Janus carefully set her bag in the trunk and walked to the driver’s side door.

They sat in silence for around twenty minutes, Val tapping her fingers against her leg and Patton doing the same (though his seemed to be more in excitement than worry), before Janus broke it.

“We’ll be home in around forty minutes, Valentine, if you want to take a nap.” She met his eyes in the rearview mirror and nodded in response.

“You can call me Val,” She said quietly, “Or Vee.” Janus hummed contentedly.

“Okay then, Val, why don’t I tell you about our home,” Patton stated, “If you have any questions just ask, ‘kay?”

“‘Kay.” Was all he said. Patton tapped his fingers once more but began to talk anyways.

“Well, we’ve already adopted one kid, a boy named Roman. He’s seventeen so only a year older than you. He’s a really sweet boy but he can be a bit…”

“Boisterous,” Janus answered while Patton searched for a word.

“He’s a bit loud. We have you all set up for school and Roman can show you around, maybe you can meet some of his friends. Janus is a lawyer and a writer and I own a little cafe in the city so you could hang out there after school if you wanted. Do you have enough clothes, kiddo?” Val paused for a moment before realizing she had to answer the question. She nodded her head and Patton smiled. “Well we can get you some more anyway. We were thinking of going shopping tomorrow or Saturday to get you some things to decorate your room.” Val just nodded again. She knew it was only eleven but she hadn’t slept much last night. She could feel her eyes slipping closed as Patton prattled on about school and shopping and work.

She dreamed of her father.


	3. come what may, all bad fortune is to be conquered by endurance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk its shorter than the other one i think. Virgil meets Roman

Virgil was awoken to a gentle hand on her shoulder, warm and soft and nothing like Ms Awl’s bony fingers. “Val, kiddo, we’re home.” His eyes fluttered open and there was Patton, smiling softly at her. “We’re home.”

He helped her out of the car and they stood in front of a nice house, painted a dark grey. It was lit up in a welcoming way and Patton and Janus stood next to him as he examined the house. Janus had handed her her bag and the two waited for her to finish taking everything in before they slowly walked up the little pathway to the door. Patton unlocked it and held it open for her and after a long hesitation Janus set his hand on her back. “You can do this.” He whispered.

She stepped inside and nothing special happened, which she was grateful for. No special moment where it felt like home, no sudden realization that this was where he belonged. He just felt wildly uncomfortable for hesitating for such a long time. There was a boy napping on the couch to her right, snoring loudly.

Janus reached over and tapped not so gently on his leg with two fingers until the boy woke with a groan. Valentine could only assume this was Roman. He stood from the couch and was a solid seven inches taller than her 5’4 and it made him feel even smaller than he was. His chocolate skin contrasted greatly with her pale palette, though their hair was about the same almost black colour.

“Hi, I’m Roman.” The boy greeted with a slight bow. He didn’t hold out his hand for her to shake so instead she awkwardly nodded at him. His voice was loud and his actions dramatic and Val had a feeling they weren’t going to get along. “The great Roman Prince.” He pulled himself out of the bow and Val just nodded again. His smile didn’t falter.

“Ro, this is Valentine. Though she likes to go by Val or Vee.” Janus introduced for her and she was incredibly relieved, her tongue seemed to be stuck to the roof of her mouth. “Val, this is Roman, though we usually call him Ro.” She stayed quiet once again and Roman’s smile seemed to turn a little strained.

“Okay kiddos!” Patton interrupted before the silence could stretch too long. “I think Val might be a little tired so why don’t we let her sleep and then give her the tour when she wakes up, yeah?” Neither of them said anything so Janus butt in again, agreeing with his husband. Janus placed his hand on her back once again and gently steered him toward the stairs. 

The room they brought her to was painted a pale purple colour, just left of grey. It held a dark wood desk with a chair and a bed with a matching frame, there was a closet on her left with a sliding mirrored door and a dark wood bookshelf. It was plain and rather boring but Val felt a jolt of excitement when he saw that the screenless window opened onto the roof.

“I know it isn’t much but after we take you shopping it’ll be all decorated, Val!” Patton said and gestured to the mostly empty room. The bedspread was a bright red and the sheets a darker shade and there were no curtains. The bookshelf was almost full. “I have everything we need to get on a list in the kitchen so tomorrow shopping will be a breeze. I’ll leave you to get settled, ‘kay kiddo?” Vall nodded and Patton left him to get settled, pointing out the lock on the inside of the bedroom door. He locked it behind Patton.

He set his duffle down next to the made bed and turned to look around the room again, dress brushing uncomfortably against his legs. He left his duffle unpacked on the floor and layed down on the comforter, much softer than the one at Ms Awl’s, and let her eyes slide shut once more.

_ Fourth home, she thought. _

_ She wasn’t really sure, it had been three months since she’d even been in a home. She’d watched as Thomas had been dropped off and that little boy had been the first person she’d told about her real name. Virgil. _

_ She would have been fostered earlier but Tom, sweet young Thomas, had accidentally said her name. Virgil. It had ruined everything. They wanted a good daughter to marry and have kids, not some abomination. _

_ This home was the same but she’d taught Thomas to only call her Virgil when no one was around. She was scrolling through her phone looking up laws pertaining to transgender people. She wanted to know when she could change her name. When she could take hormones. _

_ When he could be himself. _

The dream rippled like the water that one time she took Thomas to the pond and he had thrown bread to the ducks. 

_ She was standing in front of the mirror in her new room. His new room. _

_ In the dream he wasn’t wearing a dress, he was wearing a pair of dark jeans and a hoodie and there were no breasts on his chest, it was flat. His hair was short. There was faint stubble growing on his chin. _

_ He smiled and a faint chuckle escaped and his voice was deeper. He laughed again, just to hear his voice. _

A knock on her door woke her. She tiptoed over and clicked the lock, peeking into the hall where Roman stood. 

“Hey, Val,” he started, “I just wanted to tell you that my room’s right next door and…” He leaned in close, presumably so neither of the adults of the house would hear (though they were nowhere to be seen), “...that the roof holds our weight so you don’t need to be worried.” He gave her another dramatized wink before walking back down the stairs. He looked back at her once and gestured for her to follow. “Also, dinner’s done. Pop made ramen.”

She swiftly followed him downstairs, their socked feet making virtually no noise, and listened closely to the laughter from the kitchen. There was soft jazz playing that she hadn’t previously noticed. Peeking around the wall he watched Janus spin Patton around the small kitchen to the inconsistent drums. He watched Roman join them, laughing as Patton stumbled once again. He drew in a deep breath and stepped into the kitchen. Janus saw her and let go of Patton, gesturing her over.

She slowly followed and he took her hand, spinning her once like he had done Patton. “Is this alright, Val?” He asked after the first spin. She nodded and he spun her again, this time eliciting a giggle. Patton's smile brightened and he grabbed Roman, doing the same. 

“Welcome home, Valentine,” Janus said when the song finally ended. He handed her a ceramic bowl full of noodles and gestured at the set table. “Patton made ramen to celebrate.”

“I sure did!” The man agreed, grabbing another bowl and handing it to Roman. “And all that icky stuff is on the table for you, love.” Patton pointed to the table where multiple bottles of hot sauce sat. She followed Janus to the dining room and sat next to him, hoping she wasn’t taking anyone’s seat. Roman sat across from her and Patton next to her. She watched Janus add a healthy amount of liquid from one of the bottles into his soup and she followed suit, mixing it into the broth. She took a sip and relished in the way it set her mouth on fire.

She caught Roman’s disgusted eyes across the table, his mouth open slightly in shock. She took another deep sip of the broth just to watch his eyes widen.

“Yes, Roman?” She asked. His eyes shot down to his own bowl before they met hers once again.

“That’s absolutely disgusting. That shit is too spicy for normal human consumption.” 

“Language!” Valentine laughed as Patton piped up. Roman looked down into his own bowl and began to contentedly eat his not-spicy (bland as hell) noodles. She smiled.

After dinner, Janus swept her up for another dance. Then Patton followed. The jazz was nice.

Her father always played classical, he thinks he likes jazz better.

Once she makes it upstairs and gets ready for bed she listened as Roman’s door creaks shut. He doesn’t lock it.

Virgil does the same.


	4. maybe one day we shall be glad to remember even these hardships [interlude]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have most of this written i just keep forgetting to update it lmao  
> :)

It was late. Not for Virgil, but everyone else in the house was silent. 

He had trusted Roman and pulled himself out the window onto the porch roof, lighter and pack of cigarettes in hand. The shingles were rough under his socked feet and the air was even colder than it was a few nights ago. It nipped at his uncovered skin and sent chills up his spine. 

The roof looked over the empty road. A few street lamps that barely lit up the pavement sent orange light bouncing along the asphalt. A single broken bench sat dark on a sidewalk across the street. Virgil clicked his lighter a few times, putting out the flame, before he lit the cigarette hanging on his lips.

The smoke in his lungs was like a breath of fresh air, though it was far from it.

There was a slight shuffling behind him and he felt a thick weight on his back and reached up to feel a fluffy blanket across his shoulders. More shuffling and Roman sat down next to him.

“Thought you were asleep,” he rasped, his voice slightly raw from hours of silence. Roman shrugged.

“I was,” he paused for a long time, “I didn’t sleep my first night here either.” He pulled the blanket tighter around himself, shivering.

“Oh?”

“I came out here. It was quieter.” He nodded and offered Roman a cigarette. The other boy shook his head. “You know those are bad for you?”

“Yeah.”

“You know if Patton finds out he’s gonna have a stroke?”

“Yeah.”

He took a long drag from the cigarette and they sat in a comfortable silence, more comfortable than it had been before.

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

Roman laid back, pooling the blanket around him, and looked up at the stars. Virgil continued staring down at the light on the empty pavement. Roman hummed a familiar tune under his breath. 

He thinks that maybe this is a little better than he was expecting.


	5. each of us bears his own hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk if i already said this (i don't sleep so im a little scattered) but all the chapter titles are quotes from Virgil the poet lol
> 
> also I'm posting two chapter today so yeah
> 
> <3

Valentine wakes up in her bed. If she thinks hard she can barely remember waking Roman once she realized he’d stopped humming and following him up the roof to their windows. Roman had told her to sleep well, even though it was already 2 am, and she had. Roman’s thick blanket was still wrapped around her. 

She shuffled downstairs, waiting with her back pressed against the wall just before the kitchen to listen in on the conversation happening in the room.

“... think she’s nice, Jan.” Patton was saying.

“We’ve only known her for a day, love, you need to calm down,” Janus replied.

“But Jan-” Patton was cut off when Janus cleared his throat.

“Good morning, Val.” He said and she timidly peeked out from her hiding spot. Janus was perched on the counter with a cup of coffee while Patton manned a pan on the stovetop. The kitchen smelled like cheese and slight burning. “Did you sleep well, stormcloud?”

She blinked at the nickname but decided not to mention it. “Yeah,” She lied instead, “I slept great.”

“I’m glad,” Janus said. He raised an eyebrow like he knew she was lying. 

“Breakfast is almost ready, kiddo!” Patton exclaimed, he set some eggs and bacon on a bagel and added the plate to the line of three on the counter. “I made breakfast sandwiches for everyone!”

Breakfast went by in a blur. Patton had offered to braid her hair and then Roman had offered to  _ French _ braid it (if she was honest she’d never had her hair French braided), and so she ended up on the living room floor with Roman gently brushing out and braiding her hair, pulling every strand away from her face.

“You have beautiful hair.” He’d said, “It’s so long.” His nimble fingers brushed her ear as he pulled yet another strand into the braid.

“I wish it wasn’t.” She’d replied.

“Then cut it.” He’d told her. It couldn’t have been that easy. Just cut it.

“Your parents would let me cut my hair?” She’d asked. “Like a boy's cut?”

“Of course. As long as you’re happy.” That was something new.

A long silence. Roman was near the end of the braid.

“But don’t they want a daughter?” She’d asked. Roman chuckled, though it sounded dry, forced, to her ears.

“They just want a kid. They don’t care what we identify as.” He’d paused, “And short hair doesn’t make you any less of a girl if you don’t want it to.”

Now they were sitting in the car, that conversation seemingly forgotten by Roman but stuck in her mind. Why was it stuck in her mind?

Patton and Roman were singing along to something on the radio, a pop song she hadn’t heard, but the tune was catchy. Roman laughed to her left as he mimed a microphone. His voice was really nice. Val watched out the window as they turned into a busy parking lot and she caught sight of the mall. Janus turned down the radio, much to Roman’s chagrin, and spoke. “We’re here everybody, sorry about the radio.”

The mall was huge. Val had been to plenty of malls before but the last time she went to a mall this big she had been ten, maybe. The group pushed through the doors and were greeted with a well-lit space, open and smelling of coffee and nacho cheese from the food hall to their right. Patton had pulled out a piece of pink paper and a fluffy yellow pen and was reading the bullet points out loud.

“...clothes, posters, school supplies. Most of it’ll just be whatever catches your eye, kiddo!” He listed. She nodded and stood still, waiting for someone to take the lead. It had been ages since she’d been in a mall. Roman seemed to catch on to her nervous energy and pointed to the opposite side of the mall.

“Let’s stop by Macy’s, that’s the first place we went when you started fostering me!” He took her hand and began to drag her across the tiled floor, she let him pull her along to the Macy’s and then a bunch of stores after that, pointing out posters and trinkets as they went.

Val had picked out posters for a few bands she liked (Roman had scrunched his nose at all of them), along with some pairs of jeans and tee shirts, a few collared shirts and skirts, and lots of books. Janus had insisted on buying her a new phone since hers was old and mostly broken and Patton had bought her a laptop, no matter how many times she said it wasn’t necessary. Currently, the four were sitting around one of the greasy cafeteria tables with equally greasy mall food. Janus and Val had picked up some extremely spicy Thai food and Roman insisted on getting a salad. Patton picked out some mac and cheese.

“I think that’s everything we need!” Patton was saying, “We got everything off the list so unless Val wants anything else we can head out after lunch!” He looked at her for a response and she just nodded, mouth full of spicy pork. Roman choked down the tomato he had been chewing and forced out.

“No! Val said she wanted her hair cut,” He reminded her. The two made eye contact and Val blinked in fear. No telling how these people would react, why would he say that? “Short.”

Janus smiled. “Of course, stormcloud. We can take you to Roman’s barber after lunch, how does that sound?” She felt her eyes widen and she coughed as she tried to prematurely swallow her food.

“That sounds great.” She choked out. Janus smiled at her and Patton gave her a small clap on the back, making sure she didn’t start choking. Roman sent her a smug smile across the table and for some reason she didn’t mind it.

The drive to the barbers was short. Val tapped out her nervous energy on her leg as they passed building after building, tension building inside her. There was no way they were really taking her to the barbers shop. There was no way they’d really let her cut her hair.

They pulled into a driveway and Val was taken aback by the spinning red sign hanging next to the door. She was actually doing this. He was actually getting his hair cut. Patton opened her car door for her after the other three realized she was still sitting, staring at the shop in shock.

“You alright there, kiddo?” Patton asked her. She nodded her head and opened her mouth, searching for words.

“I didn’t think you’d actually bring me… I mean,” She licks her lips anxiously, “nobodies let me cut my hair short before.” Patton frowns lightly and links his arm with hers, leading her towards the door.

“Well, that’s dumb. It’s your hair you get to have it how you like. I think they were just being-” He cut himself off, looking around in mock suspicion, his voice dropping “-a cotton-headed-ninny muggins!” 

“Pops!” Roman gasped in shock, throwing a hand over his heart. Virgil laughed loudly and both Janus and Patton smiled in response. Patton pushed open the barbershop door and waved to the person standing by one of the chairs. “Hi, Nora.”

“Hiya, Roman! Here for a cut?” Roman shook his head and gestured to Virgil. Nora waved.

“This is my sister Val, she wants her hair cut short. Val this is Nora, they’re really nice.” Virgil tried not to shiver at the word sister. He was pleased Roman thought of him as family, but the word ‘sister’ still made him uncomfortable. In the little research Virgil had done he’d read up a little on the meaning of nonbinary, but he’d never met anyone who used it. It sent a wave of excitement through her. 

“Hi, Nora.” Her voice was small but she felt good talking to someone who was, vaguely, like her. They gestured to the chair in front of them and she took a seat. They gripped the edge of the chair near her shoulder and the two locked eyes in the mirror.

“Whatcha lookin’ for, Val?” They asked and she hesitated a bit.

“I want it short. Like-” Her tongue was stuck in her mouth but Nora waited patiently, “like a boy's cut.” Her voice was quiet so it didn’t carry to anyone else in the room, only them. Nora smiled and reached for a pair of scissors on the table in front of them. 

“I can do that. Do you trust me to choose the style?” She nodded and they smiled. She heard the snip of scissors and felt a chunk of hair fall and a rush of adrenaline filled her.

This was going to be good.


	6. happy is he who has been able to learn the cause of things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tttired  
> i think im going to actually publish the reason i got ao3 in the first place after this chapter  
> listen to "The Daughter of The Fish and the Ram" by The Scary Jokes

Val stood in front of her mirror the next morning and smiled. Her hair was cut short, shaved on the sides and slightly longer on top in what Nora had said was “the classic teenage boy haircut”. Euphoria coursed through her body as she ran her fingers through the drastically shorter locks of dark hair. Patton and Janus had just told her that she looked wonderful and kept complimenting her over dinner.

She had decorated her room, with everyone's help, and now her clothes were folded into her dresser and hung in her closet and Roman had- reluctantly because he claimed all the bands were emo nightmares- hung up her posters. She had changed her sheets and comforter and was starting to feel like maybe, just maybe, this would last longer than a month.

Today was her first day at a new school. Roman had promised to show her around and introduce her to all his friends. (Internally she prayed he wouldn’t introduce her as his sister. Not because she didn’t feel like they were siblings, but because the word ‘sister’ always sent shivers of disgust up her spine.)

It was a public school so they didn’t have a strict dress code (not like the Catholic schools she’d attended before) and so she was just wearing a pair of dark skinny jeans and a purple blouse. Eyes trailing up his body he looked… less feminine? His hair was shorter and he wasn’t wearing any makeup, he did that sometimes, and not wearing a skirt made him feel more like a man. He skipped looking at his breasts, since they made him feel sick. 

“Val, stormcloud, breakfast is ready!” Janus called up to him. She tapped her fingers nervously against her thigh and gave herself a final once over in the mirror. She grabbed a black sweatshirt that Janus had given her and pulled it on over her outfit. It was baggy and a little ratty and didn’t match much with her shirt but it was thick and heavy and made her feel a little safer. 

She rushed down the stairs and Roman was sitting at the table with Patton, talking animatedly over a plate of eggs. Janus was standing in the kitchen stirring a cup of tea. “Good morning, Val. How are you feeling?”

She shrugged and he smiled, handing her a plate of eggs. She sat next to Roman and tuned into the conversation the two were having, about a musical he had been listening to lately.

“Hey, Kiddo!” Patton greeted her. She nodded in response and shovelled eggs into her mouth. Patton smiled and turned back to Roman, nodding along to his excited voice and talking to her during a lull in the conversation. “Ro will be driving you to school today, yeah? He’ll introduce you to all his friends and I think you’ll all get along great!” She nodded and stood when Roman did, following him to put her plate in the sink and grabbing their bags. Janus gave her a small kiss on the forehead as she followed Roman out the door. The car ride to the school was short and so was getting her schedule from the office, classes she’d chosen a few days prior, and Roman dragged her along into the auditorium where a group of people was waiting.

“Hey everyone!” Roman waved and the previously quiet group got louder, waving and hooting when they saw him. One was wearing a black polo shirt and a striped tie, one a leather jacket and sunglasses, one with a pink sweater, another in a beanie and one with dyed hair. Roman pulled the one with the beanie into a hug before stepping back and gesturing to Val. “This is Valentine! She’s-”

“I’m his sibling,” She cut in before he could say the word that would send shivers up her spine, “You can call me Vee. Or Val.” She waved smally and a few waved back. The one in the sweater smiled widely.

“I’m Emile, he/him, and I’m super excited to meet you!” He held out a hand and she shook it, him doing so with much more enthusiasm than she. 

“Remy. Any pronouns.” The one in the jacket greeted, giving her a salute and sucking on the straw in his coffee cup. Virgil smiled nervously and looked as the one in the tie began to speak.

“Logan, he and him. It is good to make your acquaintance.” The boy shook her hand very professionally before turning back to the book he’d been reading.

The one and the beanie and the one with dyed hair stifled giggles at the cold tone. The pair were holding hands, the one with the beanie had an arm around the other. Both were rather short.

The beanie spoke, “Joan, they/them. We’ve heard a lot about you the last few days, It’s good to finally meet you!” The one with the dyed hair, a vibrant mix of oranges and reds, nodded in agreement.

“Talyn, they/them.” They greeted her. They were just barely shorter than Val. They talked for a while before Roman led her to her first class, promising to give her a full tour after school, and left her. The day flew by quickly and he found himself standing in a crowded lunchroom, too many people crowding her and unable to breathe. She clutched the wrapped sandwich she’d gotten close to her chest and felt her lungs heave as she turned and walked out of the large room. She wandered until she found the library and chose to sit alone in a back corner and eat her food. She watched Roman send a couple of texts asking where she was and who she was sitting with and sent the simple reply of ‘library’.

She honestly hadn’t expected for Remy and Emile to spot her from halfway across the building. She watched as Emile pointed her out and Remy sent someone a text before both got up and made their way over to her. “Heya, Val!” Emile greeted and she nodded nervously to him. “Why aren’tcha in the cafetorium with Ro and the others? He was lookin’ for you.” She shrugged.

“Too many people,” She admitted after a moment. “I couldn’t breathe.” Emile nodded in understanding and pulled Remy downward to sit next to him.

“I hate when that happens,” Emile said. He reached across the table and patted her hand in a comforting manner. “Does that happen often? Do you get panic attacks as well?” Val shrugged, feeling uncomfortable with the line of questioning. Thankfully Remy shut it down quickly.

“Em, baby, you’re making Val uncomfortable.” They pulled Emile’s hands back and clutched them in theirs. “Speaking of, babe, you never gave us your pronouns.” Val felt something inside her well up. Something hopeful.

“Pronouns?” She murmured. 

_ He _ , her mind screamed.  _ Tell them he/him _ .

“Yeah, like they or she or he or any neopronouns?” They explained and she nodded slowly. “We like to know what everyone’s comfortable with.”

_ He. _

“I-” She cleared her throat a little and lowered her voice, “I like… he?” Remy raised an eyebrow.

“Have you told anyone you like he/him or are we the first?” Val shrugged and was quiet for a while. “Roman kept calling you his sister.”

“You’re the first.” He said. “No one’s ever asked me before, what pronouns I like.” Emile frowned. 

“Well, that isn’t great. Asking pronouns is always important!” Val offered a small chuckle at that. “If you like male pronouns more, do you have a preferred name?” 

His heartbeat quickened and he felt his breath hitch. A preferred name. That someone other than his little brother Thomas would call him.

The adrenaline spiked in his veins and he stared for a minute and Remy looked at him in mild concern. 

“Virgil.” He said. “My name is Virgil.”

Virgil.

Remy smiled and Emile clapped. 

“It’s great to meet you, Virgil!” The name sent euphoria down his body. He could feel himself smiling goofily as the name came out of someone else's mouth. It wasn’t just being whispered in the depths of his mind.

“How ‘bout we call you Vee then, that way nobody knows and you’re still comfortable with a gender-neutral nickname!” 

“That sounds like a good idea, baby.” 

Virgil.

The rest of the day passed in a blur of happiness. Virgil felt like he was floating and for the first time in a long time, it wasn’t because of a panic attack. The last bell rang and his heart skipped a beat when he saw Remy and Emile waiting for him with the rest of the group.

Virgil.

“Val!” Roman called. It shattered his daydream and pulled him back to Earth. He ran up and pulled Virgil into a hug. “Are you okay? Em said you weren’t feeling the best at lunch. I can take you home if you want?” He shook his head, brushing away Roman’s worries. 

“I’m okay, Ro, there was just too many people. I feel fine now.” Roman nodded and pulled him over to the group, talking about giving him a tour. He tuned him out in favour of standing close to Remy and listening when they leaned over and whispered in his ear.

“Hey Virge, how was the rest of your day?” He smiled. Virgil felt a flutter in his stomach at the use of his name. 

“It was great.” He whispered back. Remy smiled and Emile fell back from the group to stand on his other side. Emile handed him a bright sticky note (decorated with flowers and doodles) on which he’d penned two phone numbers. One next to the name Emile and the other written under Remy’s name. Virgil tucked it carefully into the pocket of his sweatshirt.

Virgil didn’t even notice Roman was done with the tour until he cleared his throat. Virgil looked up from where he had been laughing with Emile and Remy and looked around. The rest of the group was looking at the three as if waiting for a response. “Yes?” He asked. 

Roman sighed. “Do you know where everything is now?”

In actuality Virgil hadn’t heard a single thing Roman said, too busy caught up in Remy and Emile calling him by his name and using his pronouns, but he wasn’t about to tell Roman that. Instead he said “yeah.” Logan raised a sceptical eyebrow but didn’t say a thing.

The drive home was short too.

When they got home the first thing Virgil did was put Remy and Emile’s numbers into his new phone and send them a confirmation text. Emile immediately called him and the two talked for what felt like minutes but was probably much longer before Patton called them for dinner.

_ “Bye Virgil! Love you!” _ His voice was a little tinny over the phone. 

“Bye Emi, love you.”


End file.
